I found out about the meditation retreat from the Psychedelic Science Club and Consciousness Collective Club at UC Berkeley. When they posted that they were organizing a weekend meditation retreat at an affordable price for students ($75), I knew I had to go. Coincidentally that same weekend, there was a shibari workshop happening in Santa Cruz. I was torn between which workshop to go to.
I had been wanting to go to a meditation retreat since forever. I had a friend/mentor in Taiwan named Marcus who had attended several of them. I was interested in the intense psychological transformation that could happen at these retreats. On the other hand, I also wanted to make more connections in the Santa Cruz shibari community. After talking with my partner Jocelyn, I chose to go to the meditation retreat because I had been experiencing uncertainty lately in both my life and my relationship.
I didn’t know what to expect at the meditation retreat. Would the food be all vegetarian? Would we sleep co-ed on floor mats on a big, unheated wooden floor? Would we be given robes to wear? I forwarded the info packet to Marcus and asked if I should do anything to prepare. He replied that the program was well-suited for beginners and that I only needed to prepare an open mind and open heart.
On the afternoon of the trip, I drove from Santa Cruz to Berkeley. My first task was to pick up students who would be carpooling with me. I volunteered as a driver since I had a car and had to drive myself to the retreat regardless. To my surprise, there were only about 10 of us who signed up for the trip. Given the student culture at Berkeley, I thought that there’d be a lot more. Had I known, I would’ve advertised this trip to students at Santa Cruz. I regretted that there were so many spots left unfilled. I packed my car with four strangers and we set off on our way.
One guy was in the middle of a break with his girlfriend. Another guy had his relationship end just a few weeks ago. ( I later began the process of ending things with my girlfriend after the retreat. ) So for sure, something was definitely in the air. I met a dead head (a person who’s really into the Grateful Dead) and a girl who was studying abroad from China. Two students from Cal Poly Humboldt also joined us at the retreat.
The Gomde Center is located in Leggett, CA in Mendocino County. Also located in Leggett is a drive-through Redwood Tree. (Admission is $15.) When driving north from the bay area, the last Costco you’ll pass is in Ukiah, CA. (Conveniently it also has a gas station.) I was told that cellphone reception would be pretty spotty at the meditation center, but I found there was actually good service. (Side tip: If you have someone’s phone number, you can use lookup tools like Truecaller to identify which cell carrier they use.) Regardless of the connectivity, I planned to leave my phone off for most of the weekend.
I discovered that the food was indeed vegetarian, we weren’t given robes to wear (regular clothes were fine), and we didn’t even start the first meditation practice on time. Gomde was a lot more chill that I thought.
I learned a lot at the meditation retreat. I learned about compassion, and loving without ego. I learned about the emptiness of all phenomena.
You know that feeling that all good things are temporary and must come to an end? Like how a fling or a fun night out will always end? And how we always return to a baseline feeling of discomfort or sadness or discontent? The teachers taught us that buddhist practices address and offer a solution to this problem. In fact, all external phenomena, whether it be money, fame, or friends, are incapable of making us happy long-term. These external factors cannot sustain happiness over the long-term. In the end, all of these people or things may die or be taken away. Why place our happiness on something that can be taken away, on something that is conditional? The solution (the teachers will explain this better than I do) is to place our happiness on something truly unconditional—the love and compassion and Buddhahood that is contained innately within each person. Buddhist practices like meditation, therefore, are about cultivating inner compassion, love, and Buddhahood so that we may radiate it outward for the benefit of the Universe.
Usually when I wake up in the morning, I experience negative self-talk. Like, oh my god, I have so much to do today, I don’t want to do it, I still haven’t texted ____ back, I should get coffee but it’s too expensive, It’s too dark to get dressed, I don’t want to wake my roommate up, etc….
When I woke up at the meditation retreat, I felt those negative thoughts beginning their execution once again. This time, I took notice of it, and I decided - let’s choose compassion today. Let’s choose compassionate thoughts. The negative thoughts protested back, saying no, these thoughts are important, they need to be thought out. We have to go through this. Once again I repeated to myself, with my palms clasped, let’s choose compassion today. I got up. I changed the candles in the meditation hall and held my hands in gratitude towards the Buddha statues that surrounded me. I was reminded of the expression, “may every Buddha I see be a reminder to practice gratitude.”
I felt better after changing the candles. No one else had gotten up yet, they were either still asleep or rustling gently in the beds. With all the war going on in Iran, my homework not being done, my relationship kinda in shambles, one could say I felt aware yet content. I felt a simple gratefulness for being here, a feeling which I look forward to cultivating further.